is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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