Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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