I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
