Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
