We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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