I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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