Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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