Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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