This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
