Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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