he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
As shirtless as possible
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
