the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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