I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she told me i tasted like america
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize