you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
