I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
