Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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