i already hear my dad disowning me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
