first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
