she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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