Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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