Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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