The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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