Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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