I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
