I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
