There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
