I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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