He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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