never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
