Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I did not marry a roomba.
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