that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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