I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
