She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I want to be your penis for a week.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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