Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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