I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
