I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
