Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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