He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I smell stomach acid.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
