my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
