happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if only i could text you this smell
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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