remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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