he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
