I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
