I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
