Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
