i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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