i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Holy sore nipples Batman
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
