Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
