Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize