I wish my penis had an off switch
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
