3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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