he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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