I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
