can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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