mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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