Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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