I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
