Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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