The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
