you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
