2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
