i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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