I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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