i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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